Something About It Felt Right

I lay there
and wanted Switzerland.
I wanted the spot where we ate lunch;
bread and meat and cheese.
Oreos.
The richest earth that fell away under the wildflowers.
The little children on their European playground.
The boy and the dog that knew
wildness and what it is to be alive.
The snow and the screams of pure joy.
Hot, melted cheese and potatoes.
The hut just in case we were reminded
how small we truly are.
The fish and my dad's bit of German.
Edelweiss.
The bell that hangs on our wall.
Old leather and mountain air.
I want Switzerland.
I don't want musty air or textbooks or fluorescent lights.
I want Switzerland.
Monty the dog and cute little Daisy Mae.
Pink everywhere, and the tea that we couldn't drink.
The way the floor creaked and the adventure it was to share that bathroom with people from across the world.
The roundabouts, the sunflowers, the cows, the glaciers, waterfalls, hot, sweet, fresh smell of Switzerland.
The rivers that ran milky grey and blue under covered bridges garnished with flowers, both sides, and the paintings that got burned away.
The swans and chocolate and bicycles, everywhere.
The trains that always ran on time but when they didn't,
the duck that just wanted his mom.

The way w's sound like v's and j's sound like y's.
The fact that they didn't allow cars and there were sheep and miniature horses.
The water sparkled; the grass glowed.

The cold, cold water that washed my toes and
the blue and white door, and the dog in the fountain.
Everything was right. Everything was older and purer.
Everything about it.
Really, I just miss Switzerland.

They're Afraid of What They Can Become

An experiment in spoken word

They call me sunshine.

Because I bleed into their lives and, like it or not,

I leave them happy.

And here’s the beautiful thing about happy.

You can take it with you.

Think about it.

All those people I passed by today.

How many were the first to smile at me?

Not a single one.

I don’t blame them. They had stuff to do, boyfriends to break up with, tests to pass. Or fail. You know, whatever.

But me? I had a million things to do and nowhere to be and I just wanted some sunshine.

There’s so much joy in this life right now, and people just can’t see it.

And if they can see it, I sure as heck don’t know it.

Because if everyone lived with their sunshine streaming out of their faces, falling from their tongues every time they opened their mouths, can you imagine? 

Can you imagine?

But the world puts on their sunglasses and goes walking down the street so I can’t see its eyes. But I pulled my shades off awhile ago. I just decided, “It isn’t worth it.” 'Cause let me tell you something. You can’t get to someone’s heart with your shades on. You can’t heal their soul with sunglasses. So leave your shadows, leave your inhibitions behind and I'll call you 
sunshine.

What I'll Only Say if You Ask

AKA Thank you for caring. I wish people would ask more often. But only if they cared.

I couldn’t be present because I pretty much lost it trying to figure out if I could handle all my classes.

I am jealous of all the girls that have more friends, get included more, and go on dates.

I felt so much smarter than everyone else in my review today, because I actually knew the answers. And I wasn’t afraid to say so.

Walking barefoot today was the greatest feeling-I had forgotten how much my feet, not to mention my soul, crave a little freedom.

I am facing a serious concern of getting fat because of the Cannon Center food. And I don’t have time to run as much as I need to offset it.

I wish I could get all my work done and play everytime my hallmates played so I never missed  out on anything.

I wish I didn’t have a calling because it’s already stressing me out and I haven’t even started. 

Tunnel singing is going to save me. It has and it will.

This campus is far more beautiful than I ever thought.

God has told me multiple times while I’ve been here that He expects great things out of me; that I’m capable of the extraordinary.

That scares me to death.

In our first biology class, we played with termites, and I felt bad for disturbing them. I’m sure they were trying to have a nice life. I think we killed some.

I always get cold in the library.

As I’m getting better, other people are getting worse, and when I was worse, they were better.

Sometimes I feel little and forgotten-I’ve got to get involved.

Most days, I wake up stressed out. But I got to bed not so much. What about sleep is stressful and college calming?

Whenever I see boys playing Frisbee in the evenings, I am so jealous that they have free time.

Instead of sleeping, I talk, surf Facebook, and write poetry. Part of the problem.

My life has become infinitely more simplistic now that I’m here, in the sense of living in a small room, going to class, eating, studying, talking, sleeping. The end. It’s starting to get old.

I’m learning when to go to breakfast so I’m not late for class.

I’m training myself to read more efficiently.

I’m learning how to study better.

I get distracted just as easily, but I don’t have a mom to save me from myself.

My backpack isn’t as heavy as I thought it would be.

I love American Heritage.

My bed is a bed and a couch and a desk all in one.

I am scared of doing laundry.

I love the combination of cool air and sun. The best.

The Tanner Building has study spots that I just discovered. I need to try it out soon. They told me to find “my” study spot, “my” niche at BYU, “my” passion. Well, all those things are very good at playing hide-and-seek, and I’m still looking.

Someday

You know, someday.

Someday, it would be nice to be the first one 
to make heads turn when I walked in a room.

Someday, it would be nice to stand out, 

among all of them there, and occupy that brain.

Someday, it would be nice to know that I was picked

FIRST.

Someday, it would be cool to be talked about 
in the de-briefing sessions

After the first day.

Someday, just someday it would be cool to let 
someone else take a turn playing my role at the game.

Someday, one day, it would be perfect to be the one that was 

talked about, thought about, wished about, stressed about.

Someday, I wish that 
out of all the glittering stars in the room, 

I am the one that shines the brightest.

But if You're Crazy, Where's Reality?

"But how could I deny that I possess these hands and this body, and withal escape being classed with persons in a state of insanity, whose brains are so disordered and clouded by dark bilious vapors as to cause them pertinaciously to assert that they are monarchs when they are in the greatest poverty; or clothed [in gold] and purple when destitute of any covering; or that their head is made of clay, their body of glass, or that they are gourds? I should certainly be not less insane than they, were I to regulate my procedure according to examples so extravagant."

-René Descartes

Olivia.....

No.


Olivia......

No!
OLIVIA.....
NO!

And the Child Cried,

“It’s the day before the end of the world

And the sky is raging.”

Take me now, God.

Take me now, because I think what’s about to come

isn’t gonna be pretty.

Some moments are going to be breathtakingly beautiful. 

Like the rain today.

That was stunning.

I thought,

Everything is going to be OK.

But, truth is,

Everything is NOT going to be OK.

And that scares me.

Because when I fall apart, I have to be the one 

to put myself back together.

No one’s going to be downstairs, taking care of the world,

while I take a break and run away from everything else 

because all I can hear

Is the screaming inside my head.

Boys? That’s what you’re going to miss? Boys?!

Well, I’m going to miss my sounding-board for sanity 

living right down the hall.

And right now, I’m starting to crack.

That peace I knew couldn’t last, and yet,

I hoped it would.

And she’s cracked all over the place. 

So how am I supposed to find my sunlight reflected

in someone else so dark? 

Warning!: Girl in Progress, 2 more feet needed.