Heaven's Light

I cannot lay me down to sleep;

All my horrid thoughts I’ll keep,

Swirling like the dirt amassed

In a whirlwind that’s not passed.

Tenderly, please, I implore,

Let me not feel terribly sore

The burdens of another soul

That currently my light does dull.

Remind me, God, of all I am,

Who I’m not, and where I stand.

Remind me, please, of Heaven’s light;

That in my small world, all can be right.

I don’t have to let it into me,

It’s not who I am, not who I’ll be.

Calm my heart, it’s worried so

About what will be, if this will go

Someplace I’ll wish I’d left before

It was not a home, but a prison more.

Strengthen my courage, it’s stretched so thin,

I know I must work, but where to begin?

I’ll start by laying me down to sleep,

But my soul, dear Father, is Yours to keep.

As sweet escape is granted me,

The angels watch so lovingly.

As I seek repose through the dark of night,

Please let me bask in Heaven’s light.

December 5, 2013

What I'll only say if you ask. a.ka., My Two Bits

So Much Joy.....It's Coming

You told me, “write about college.”

But I’m not going to.
I’m going to write about you.

Me? Why me?

Don’t shrink out of the spotlight;

Don’t you dare make yourself less important.

You see yourself there, in a dark corner.

Alone.

Little.

Long hair covering your shrinking heart.

All you want is to get out.

But every layer of painted smile

Makes it easier for me to see right through.

I’m sure this is a taste of what God spends a fair amount of His time doing-

Aching.

Aching for you, and aching for me, and having all the answers.

But the difference?

I don’t have all the answers.

And I couldn’t fix you if I tried.

But here I am.

Trying.

Trying to make you feel better-trying to soak my sunshine into your skin.

But here’s the problem about life;

I can’t give you what I know,

because to know it, I’ve been to hell and back.

And sadly, you’ll have to go, too.

You might be there already, you might have a ways to go.

That’s cool.

I’m not going anywhere, and

He’s never going anywhere.

I’ll wait for you two to get back.

But in the meantime,

I’m always right down the hall. J

Letting Go

In one day, the world turned from fall to winter.

The colors melted off the trees 

and got scooped into bags and carted away.

The sky covered itself in grey and the wind blew.

My hope was torn from me and the glory of the world was gone.

But even though the biting cold is going to try to freeze me solid, and

I have to relearn how to see myself without another assured half,

It’s OK.

I won’t let the ice cool my bright, warm core, and

if despair thinks he has his way with me, he will be

fantastically disproved.

Because I’m already standing up, moving on,

and determinedly infusing this bleak winter landscape with

the glory of hopeful tomorrows. 

Moving Pictures

If I died tonight,
I'd fall asleep and never wake up tomorrow.
I'd sit as an angel in Heaven
and watch your heart
like a picture show.

Habits Are Hard to Break, Hopes Even Harder

My knuckles are white because I'm afraid to let go.
The pain is becoming searing-I can't hear you because
my attention is never good when it's divided.
My stomach aches to be let free and
my mind knows it's dangerous because the
longer my fingers stay this way, the harder it will be
to help them uncurl, one aching digit at a time
but my heart?
it's the stubbornest thing.
It can't ignore the chasm opening up-
the rejection of a way of life inside my head
that I won't know how to live without
for a good, long while.
My mind says let go and my heart says
i don't want to so I say
fine. We've got to take the hard road.
I'm suspicious that what's happened so far is just the beginning
of pain so palpable I cower in denial.
I'm sorry, but
I love you, but
at this point it's not worth it.
I'm bracing for the falling,
I'm willing to force my fingers
through the sore truth until
the pain from clinging to the question marks is all but forgotten
in the glory of the absolute present existence.

Into the Woods

Hollow face,

Empty hands.

Graceful words,

Iron bands.

Wandering thoughts,

Into the frost,

Where trees explode

And minds once lost

Are found in dirt

And rocks and air.

The drop of purity

Mends the tear-

The rift in sane,

The rift in real-

And lets the heart

Begin to heal.